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Archive for the ‘.AOTW.’ Category

Announcement of The Week…

I find a lot of beautiful images from WeHeartIt.com and decided it was time I joined!  It’s already quite addictive and I can’t stop ‘hearting’ pictures.  There must be millions of wonderful and inspiring images on that site.  Anyway, if you get a chance follow me and let’s share heart-warming pics!

www.weheartit.com/missderrie

MDx

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Announcement of the week! You may have read that I ordered my dream Soul Momiji doll online last week. Well, the little princess is here and I absolutely love her!

She’s adorable and worth the £15 I paid for her. Her new name is Miss Derrie Junior 😉

Hope you like 🙂

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When I passed my A-level exams my mom bought me flowers and a little message doll.  It was a Momiji Happy Happy Happy doll and underneath, like all others, was a secret slot for a personal message.  It was a wonderful gift and I fell in love with the little oriental doll immediately.

From http://lovemomiji.com

Momiji are handpainted resin message dolls. Turn them upside down…inside every one there’s a tiny folded card for your own secret message.

Spread the love.

All dolls are approx 8cm (3in) tall.

As you’ve probably seen, my avatar is a Momiji Soul Doll.  Out of them all, I think she is the most beautiful.  I’ve always wanted to own one but couldn’t find a seller in the UK.  Well, today I had another quick peek around and I found a few online companies with the green soul doll for sale.  The cheapest I could find was £14.90 (including p+p) which I still think is expensive; but worth it!

I can’t wait for her to arrive.  Her new name will be Miss Derrie and she will live on my desk next to my lap top…so sweet.

I bought her from www.loveithaveit.com, check the other designs out.

Her message is: “Your soul is a good one; I know when it shines in your eyes. I like dexy’s midnight runners.”

I’ll definitely upload pictures upon her arrival 🙂

Momiji Soul Doll

I think I like her so much because she reminds me of Pucca…and I LOVE Pucca!…

Pucca and Garu - Google images

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.AOTW. .The D Word.

This is quite ironic, I felt, seeing as though I’m doing a psychology degree…

The D Word (depression).  I’ve been suffering from it quite severely for a long time.  Two months ago I hit rock bottom and finally knew I needed to get help.

I hadn’t experienced any trauma, injury, bereavement or any other kind of major life stressor that usually triggers an onset of depression but for the last 18 months + I’ve just had this sadness.  Sadness that has been looming over my world like a dark rain cloud and for no apparent reason.  I have a wonderful family who I live with whilst going to Uni and I have a great boyfriend who I have been with forever!  Why am I sad, then? I always wonder.  I have a feeling it derived from sixth-form.  I had to stay back a year due to failing my exams and it was the loneliest time of my life.  Although I left there with good grades and acceptance into my chosen University, this sadness or loneliness never seemed to go away.

I had good days and bad days.  I found it hard to sleep at night because I felt sad and often cried.  I would finally drift off around 3/4am and wouldn’t wake up until 12pm the next day.  I was always tired and unmotivated and started to have the urge to just stay in bed.  Some days I wouldn’t even want to have a shower.  Sometimes I didn’t want to speak to or see anyone.  I had terrible mood-swings.

Words to describe how I felt: SAD, down, low, unmotivated, lazy, tired, like a loser, guilty, ashamed.  I would pity others and get sad for no reason.  I felt like a freak, someone not normal.  I didn’t belong in this world.

The thing is though, no-one knew how I felt.  The only person I mentioned it to was my boyfriend – and I only told him half of it.  I was ashamed at how I felt and was (am) very good at hiding the extremity of my feelings.  I only cried and let it all out when alone in my room.  I blagged my ‘not-wanting to get out of bed’ on my late sleeping pattern.  I didn’t explain how I can’t sleep so late due to my constant worrying and crying at night.  I’m a very proud person, which I know isn’t always a good thing.  Mostly though, I knew it would really upset my mom if she knew how down I was.  It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there.

I was ashamed and felt like a fraud – how could I possibly explain my feelings when I don’t appear to have anything to feel sad about?  How do I tell someone without coming across as a pathetic attention-seeker who’s just feeling sorry for herself?  No-one had died!  I had my health!  Why was I doing this to myself?  It wasn’t until I did a psychology module on depression at Uni that I realised it wasn’t my fault.  It was an imbalance in the chemicals and hormones in my brain.  I was lacking serotonin.  That’s all well and good, I thought; but I still feel sad…

My depression took a serious turn for the worse in a week in December last year.  I was behind on all my Uni work; I’d missed loads of lectures because I was too sad to get out of bed.  I didn’t want to leave my house.  I was disgraced at myself.  I didn’t care whether I lived or died.  Although I wouldn’t have self-harmed or committed suicide, I really didn’t value my life anymore.  I just didn’t care what happened to me.  I don’t know what was wrong with me, I just hit rock bottom and got into a vicious cycle of sleeping, eating, crying and going hungry.  It got even worse when I forgot I had two exams the following week.  I should have been sitting two very important papers but instead I was in bed, sleeping.  I didn’t intentionally miss them; I’d had them marked in my diary for months.  I was just in such a mess that these two immensely important exams slipped my mind.  I found out when my friend text me asking where I was and why I didn’t attend the exams.  I felt sick.  I thought this is it!  On top of everything I’m going to fail my second year at Uni!  I screamed into my pillow and decided enough was enough.

I went to see my doctor.  I told her everything I’d never told anyone before.  I broke down to a total stranger in a small room.  She was shocked as my record showed nothing like this previously.  She listened and said she’d help me.  She’d help me get back on track and inform Uni and work of my ‘illness’.  I felt like I’d lifted a backpack full of breeze-blocks off my shoulders.  It was a weird feeling I’d never had before.  She told me to come back after Christmas and I did.

On my next visit she asked me how I’d been feeling.  I said no better (because I hadn’t) and she explained the range of options I had.  I could take pills, I could have CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) or I could have counselling.  After talking some more she advised that anti-depressants may be the best option for me.  I said OK and she filled in my prescription.  I was scared though and didn’t like the idea of ‘popping pills’.  Taking meds that altered the chemicals in my brain and messed with my mind.  How would I feel?  What effect would it have on me long-term?

I went to the chemist and paid £7.50 for 30 tablets of fluoxetine that were supposed to make me better.  At first I didn’t take them.  A few days later when I’d stayed in bed for too long I gave up and swallowed one.  The side-effects were said to be increased sweating, lack of libido, headaches and an increased desire to commit suicide.  Seriously? I thought.  But I wanted to get better.

I’m a month into taking them now.  I have to re-visit the doctor soon.  I can’t say I feel much better inside but what I can say is that I feel quite ‘emotionless’.  I mean I can’t cry.  Tears don’t flow when I feel sad anymore which I’m not sure is a good or a bad thing.  I wouldn’t go so far as saying I’m like a zombie because that certainly isn’t true.  I’ve just noticed small changes.  We’ll see…

Although I sought help, I still haven’t told my family what’s going on in my life yet.  Only my boyfriend knows I’m taking anti-depressants.  I know it’s best to talk but I really don’t feel ready for everyone to know.  Wondering if I’m sad right now, why I’m in my room alone – am I crying?  Am I going to kill myself?  I just know it would make things 10x worse.  I don’t want people worrying about me and I don’t want to be fussed after.  I just want to get back to normal.

I bet you’re wondering why I can post my troubles online but I can’t tell those closest to me.  Well I’m anonymous here.  I feel free and safe to discuss my feelings here.  I’d really love it if this post helped just one person who felt like me.  If you are suffering with depression, whether it’s mildly or severely, speak to someone.  Whether it’s one person or 10 people, just speak.  It really does help, I promise.  I wish I’d plucked up the courage to get it sorted earlier because I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.  I’ve spoken about my gloomy journey in the hope to help anyone I can.  I still feel ‘sad’ but I’m making the right steps to get better now.

If anyone at all in the world wants to speak to me: missderrie@live.co.uk

I’ll always reply.

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I’m back! As you can see from the dates I haven’t posted for a whilllle! I’ve been in a bad place but I will go into that a bit later on. Blogging makes me happy and with all my other dramas I forgot that. Anyway, Hello Again World…let’s dish out some ridiculous rewards…

notthesamestream.blogspot.com

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.Race for Life.

You may remember form an earlier post that I took part in Race for Life this year.  On Sunday 26th June, I walked (quickly) the 5km (3+ miles) around Walsall Arboretum.  It was one of the best things I have ever been a part of and I really enjoyed it.  I was joined by 4 members of my family and we all ran for my Aunty Jen, who was diagnosed with breast cancer last year.  She was amongst the 5 of us that day, I’m happy to announce!  She is much better now but continues to fight the battle.

We finished in around 1 hour, speed-walking.  I’m definitely going to train weeks before next year’s event so that I can run all the way, no stopping!  I had no excuse whatsoever not to run; I’m tall and thin but just tragically unfit!  Women all ages and shapes and sizes were breezing past and I did feel a little ashamed that I wasn’t putting in as much effort as they were to finish.  It was an extremely warm day and I am prone to fainting, like a fool; I did not want to embarrass myself (lol).  Anyway, even though I was told numerous times by the volunteers that this “WAS NOT A COMPETITION”, next time I will be doing myself proud for all those affected by cancer!

Whilst walking, I read lots of other women’s stories (pinned to their backs).  There was one story in particular that really touched my heart.  One lady had written ‘I race for life for the unborn child that we sadly lost during my fight with breast cancer’.  The lady’s hair was just beginning to grow back.  A tear came to my eye and I felt for all the other women who were pregnant when they were diagnosed.

I will always raise money and participate in this amazing event for as long as I am able!  This year, I raised £55 by selling CDs of current songs to friends, family and work colleagues.  (I know it wasn’t the most legal of things to do but it was for a very, very good cause!)  I’ll have to see what other cool fundraising ideas I can think of between now and then. 

So, I look forward to running all-the-way-non-stop next year and seeing many more of you girls joining me in the battle against cancer!

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This Sunday, 26th June 2011, I will be joining my sister and aunty for the Race for Life.  I’m taking part in the event at Walsall Arboretum and cannot wait. I decided to do the Race this year as cancer has recently affected my family. I have witnessed how hard nurses work to brighten the days of cancer patients and want to help by raising as much money as I can. I’d like to be a part of the work scientists are doing to find solutions and cures. I hope I am always well enough to race every year from now on!

I hope that all women able to walk will participate in the future, because it really does make a difference! Sign up for next year, girls and do something to be really proud of!

I’ll let you know how I get on; I hear it is an amazing and emotional day!

Together we will beat cancer!

 

 

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